September is suicide awareness month

Last night in a library after hours, a group of moms met to game plan how to solve the problem of gun violence. At that meeting, as the new Virginia State Suicide Prevention Lead for Moms Demand Action, I shared my story of loss and struggle for the first time. I almost didn't do it, but moms show up - and they show out.

Don and Joanna were the first ones I lost in a non-war related death by gun, and it was called a murder-suicide. Few things about the circumstances do I know to be true, but I do know how much Don and Joanna loved each other. Most of the world I live in revolves around “RUMINT” where rumors are the only pieces of information that really carry any weight. After 18 years in Military Intelligence, you learn to listen to what people are talking about.

A letter was left. A diagnosis was given. No one saw the signs. 

I didn’t begin to understand what would bring two individuals so full of joy to the brink that a bullet was better than what they had; That was until I understood the weight of chronic illness, anxiety, and depression and the effect these have on those forced to bear that weight. 

What I believe happened was that Don and Joanna were given an unbearable weight to carry; and when the two could no longer carry it together, they ended it together. The words on the letter, likely to their daughter, I believe would tell her not to fear. They were together in the end, neither one of them felt pain anymore, and they loved her dearly.

Again, I don't know that to be true, but it is the story I tell myself. On the days that my husband and I struggle to bear the weight we are forced to bear, I think about them often. My husband and I are US Marine Corps Veterans that struggle with chronic illness, PTSD, anxiety, and depression - "Operator Syndrome," and we didn’t know exactly what the weight we would be forced to bear would be - but we did accept that if anyone was going to be forced to bear the weight of the world, it was going to be us. It’s just what we do. 

The thing is, what happens when the weight is too much? The shame and blame of a broken system would tell you that the burden falls to our kids - forcing them to not just carry their pack, but also ours. The shame and blame of a broken system would tell you that it is better to end it now because "we all are going to die anyway."

But what if we were able to repair a broken system? What if instead of working ourselves to death, we were able to carry lighter loads by sharing more and fighting less? What if instead of focusing on world domination, we focused on world creation? What if we rebuilt the system from the ground up? Together the possibilities are endless, and together the shame and blame of a broken system can stop killing our kids.  

September is Suicide Awareness Month, and what I hope you take away from this is that few understand the weight someone else is carrying, unless you’ve helped them unload their pack. 

Each interaction is an opportunity to add to what someone is already carrying or remove the weight of something long forgotten. 

The difference between war, murder, and suicide is rarely a matter of who the gun is pointing at, but rather who caused the pain that pulled the trigger. 

If you need to talk, the 988 Lifeline is here.

At the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, we understand that life's challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you're facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug use concerns, or just need someone to talk to, our caring counselors are here for you. You are not alone.

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